Self love; what the hell does that mean? Sort of sounds a bit new-agey, doesn’t it? The meaning of it seems to be very much up to the person interpreting it and what they believe it to be.
I bet that most people who read the first two words of this blog may well just stop reading immediately thereafter, for fear of reading another diatribe about “loving yourself” and “being true to who you are”. This is not one of those blogs….
With the advent of technology comes access to unprecedented knowledge; whatever you want to know is quite literally at our fingertips. However, with the world moving at hyper-speed and our lives becoming more demanding, we seem to have lost the ability to really appreciate ourselves and take heed of what can make us truly happy.
(A dawn hike in the Grampians with our clients)
This past weekend we took 22 of our terrific clients to our MPT health and wellness retreat in the Grampians. We hiked, played games, we meditated, performed yoga and bonded in a way that you just can’t do in the gym. This was just what they needed. However, as enjoyable as everything was, it wasn’t the activities that made the weekend so spectacular and eye-opening. In our goal setting session, the one salient point that kept coming up again and again was that people weren’t actually taking time for themselves. Some people were too focused on taking care of their families needs, others too invested in work and others were just focused on solely doing things so they could escape the fact that they weren’t truly happy with where they were physically. Now before I continue, let me say that family, work and social activities are all extremely important, and I am not at all attempting to downplay these aspects and their importance in our lives. They all matter…. very much so.
However, the common trend was that everything seemed to be out of alignment. The parents who care too much about making others happy seldom make themselves feel that way…. the workaholic is actually struggling to get through the day as the workload is making them resent the job…. the social habits of the party animal are not leaving them fulfilled when the party stops. What they are doing is not sustainable, and to quote one of the participants, something has to give. That something is generally us; our health…. physical and mental. But why? Why when things get tough or busy do we put ourselves last? Why do we say that everything is important, but me?
Putting oneself last is often a default that most will fall back on when feeling stressed or overwhelmed. They push their own needs to the side in order to just “get through” the days. If this sounds like you, I bet you are nodding your head and saying “yes, this is me”. The reason I know this is because I see it all the time. Literally every single person who comes to us, does so because somewhere along the line they have forgotten that they are important. They have forgotten how to make themselves happy.
People often question why they should love themselves. Why should I love myself and take the focus off my (insert family, work, friends, etc here)? The reason is that nothing in your life will truly work unless you are happy within your own skin.
(MPT clients Mel, Fi and Jason and my fiancé Fern)
We were all so shocked when Robin Williams passed away in what seemed to be, in our minds, bizarre and unforeseen circumstances. We can never understand the lonely, unhappy billionaire. We struggle to see why that successful woman in our circle is always overweight and struggling to keep her health in check. However, if you look at these people under a microscope, and look beyond the success, you start to see that everything they do is being pushed outward and not in. All of their effort is spent on achievement and distraction. All of their energy is used on anywhere but themselves and this often leads to unhappiness.
This is one aspect that always seemed to be so difficult for me personally to comprehend. To be honest, it still takes a lot of work for me to truly put my own needs first. For me, work is life. My brand is the extension of me. I love my job. I love seeing people happy. I want everyone who ever meets me to have the one same thought in their head: “he’s the best damn trainer I’ve ever met”. I want them to leave my sessions feeling uplifted, exhausted and motivated to do well the rest of the day. However, wanting to be perfect at your job takes a toll on you. It’s exhausting, and if you are a high achiever, you’ll understand that being good at anything is all conquering. From the time I wake up to when I go to bed I am always thinking about how much more efficient I can make things and constantly asking myself “what can I do better?”. In fact, I am sitting in my car right now writing this, so I am not distracted by anything inside.
For many people, their job, their role as a parent or their friendships are analysed in very much the same way. How can I do (insert biggest priority here) better? That’s what we are continually asking ourselves, isn’t it?
(A bonding/trust exercise from our retreat)
But what if the answer to all of that is to occasionally look after yourself? What if the answer to doing better for them means doing the right thing by yourself on a regular basis?
How can you truly love your wife, your kids, your job or your friends if you are not taking the time to do for yourself what you would so readily do for them? Why is mum always stressed? Why is dad always working? Why do I have to be the one to organise everything for my friends? Why do I come last? The answer is NOT “work harder” or “spend more time on it”. True unhappiness and unhealthyness is born from constantly being put last by oneself.
(MPT client Greg; a project manager and busy man, taking time out and taking it all in)
You need to love yourself more. You need to spoil yourself more. You need to praise yourself more. You need to bemore.
Whoever you are, and whatever your role, you are like the sun; you are the centre of your universe. Everyone revolves around you, and if you are not the best version of you, then the universe ceases to exist. You must understand that whether you are a parent, a provider or a friend, you are number one, whether you like it or not, and if you don’t start to love who you are and treat yourself in accordance with that you will never be truly happy.
So, how do we do this? How do we love ourselves and still make our household work, keep our jobs and keep our friends.
The answer is simple; find something that makes you happy and make the commitment to spend time on it. It doesn’t matter what it is; go hiking, get to the gym, catch a movie, get dolled up and go dancing. Make yourself laugh, or cry, or think. It will be a different action for every one of you, but the outcome will be the same; a happier you. What it isn’t is chocolate and wine every night. It’s not takeout because you have had a rough day. It’s not anything like that. Those are all bandaids covering a wound that will soon fester and make you even more stressed and unhappy.
(Getting out to nature does wonders for your body and allows you to turn off and just relax)
We often think how we are feeling isn’t important if everyone around us is happy. What kind of a life is this though, when everyone’s happiness is put before yours? How long can you live knowing that you don’t matter, even to yourself? And how can you ask others to care about you, when you don’t even care about you?
If you’ve made it this far, and you feel like you want more happiness, the first thing you must do is commit. Tell your family that you want to go out one night a week, or tell your boss that you’re finishing on time. Tell your friends that if they want to see you, they can pick you up. Tell them all that you need this; for your own well-being, because no person who truly cares will ever deny you being the best, happiest version of yourself.
Once you’ve told people about this a weight will be lifted and you can start to care about you again.
Conversely, you may not need to do any of that. Take stock of what you are doing on a regular basis. Are you on your phone all the time? Are you spending money on things you don’t need? Can any of your vices be swapped for something more productive and rewarding? Many people complain about not having money or not having enough time. In my experience this is due to not spending their money or time wisely. Think of what you are doing to make yourself “happy” and ask if it is truly working. Then, ask yourself what you can do that will make you happiest.
(Family time; no drinking, no junk food….just enjoying each other’s company)
Happiness isn’t found on Instagram in copious likes, it’s not found in others accomplishments or in the amount of money you earn; it’s found in the pursuits that make you truly happy.
My pursuits are simple. I love to learn; I read and ingest everything that I can. I want to be learning something all of the time, and I make time to do it. I also like my downtime; I’ll often pop up to our holiday house by myself or go for a walk and just “be”; this allows me to be more centred and much more enjoyable to be around. I make the time to exercise and eat healthily not just for my job, but because I know that I’m happiest when I’m healthy. Nothing comes before me being healthy; not your birthday cake, your birthday beers, your delicious treats that I must, but will not, try…. nothing. Nothing comes before my happiness because if I’m not happy I cannot make my hundreds of clients happy, my fiancé happy, my family happy or my friends happy. I am number one, and by doing so, I make the time for everything else to be number one too.
(Me with some of our amazing MPT clients George, Dave, Steve and Mel)
My partner Fern is also a big believer in health; she trains away from our gyms two times a week in the city with the director of Powerlifting Australia and recently represented Australia in powerlifting; those two nights are her sanctuary away from our own gyms and a chance to just be a regular person. She loves to read, go for walks and makes time to see her grandmother every week. We also like to watch some Netflix on the weekend…. sometimes we chill (you guys know what I’m talkin’ about). These pursuits are all where she manages to find the time to make herself happy.
(Fern with her Australian gear)
If you lead a busy life, yet you feel like something isn’t quite right, you may not be doing what needs to be done in order to truly make the best version of yourself. If you need to drink every night or “let off steam” every weekend this can only go on for so long before you reach a snap point.
The answer is not out there, but in you.
Look in, be honest and make changes. It’s the only way….
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